Hmmm, I am still wondering am i just being a used toy being played over again or am i really a somebody to her? Spent some time talking to her at her house 2nights ago, really trying to figure out if she would really want me back. I'll change,definitely but would she want to be back with me or she would rather go to that guy...That's the question now..i mean, am i really that bad as a bf? Sigh..But oh well..Today, we have our first promod tournament in Malaysia at Blitzone.
Apparently, Singapore's Top team, JEDI came down to compete too. Today was the qualifying rounds and my team made it thorough. We beat Team eG, and also FFF-Strife-.
Won against eG at Backlot 13-4, Crossfire 13-2.
Won against FFF-Strife- at Crash 13-2, Vacant 13-2.
Not bad for a start. Early in the morning, before Yit Meng ( also known as ESP.Mr.Pikachu ) i started off in a very good mood. Pretty much, i know it sounds silly but i dreamt that i was fragging like mad in Cod4. I know it really does sound funny, but i was like top frag! It's a good omen i told myself.
True enough, when Yit Meng came and pick me up, i told him about it and he just laugh about it. Hahaha, i know i know. But during our match with eG, i was performing pretty well! Well just so you know, for the past one week, i've been playing pretty badly. Not on form at all. But surprisingly today, i had a pretty good mood to start of the competition!
Got an Ace clutch for the final round against eG, awesome way to end my match. We hang out with the JEDI people and some SWL people too. Had a great time, listening to Josh telling us funny+lame stories. Josh really knows how to entertain people.
As for Cathrynn, well we spent some time together today. She came over to visit me during my tournament after her work to show her support. Gosh, is it because she's not my gf and that i notice she became more and more attractive? Must be some hex. lol. Jk.
Had dinner, and she pretty much went off to go and see him. -.- *you know who*. My parents are over in Taipei now. I think it is for the chinese festival thingy. Oh btw, my cousin from Australia came back and his accent, OMG! amazing. I wanna be an aussie now. lol.
Now, i'm sitting down here before i hit my bed, thinking alot of things that is bound to happen to me. Will I be happy if she comes back to me? Definitely, but would she still go out with him? I don't know. If she picks him, because somehow he always seems to be on her good side, like understanding, listens, carefree..so totally opposite of me now as I didn't like her going out with him. But, if she were to pick him, I guess..it is got to be my hair. LOL. Joking again. I guess..pretty much I've not given her what she wants.
Like i wrote before, When a relationship of love is developed, a bond of trust is formed. There is an unspoken agreement that the two of you are committed to each other and that you will not see other people. When one of the members of this sacred bond choose to be intimate with another person, they are not only cheating their lover but they are cheating themselves as well. They are breaking their own bond of trust. In most situations, when a person cheats, it is not because of affection for a new lover. Rather, he/she may be searching for what is missing in his/her present relationship.
Somehow, I really hope she sees what my heart is telling her. If only she knew.
I want to take the first step. But how?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
* Walking down the moon *
As i walked down the street, i felt the breeze that the wind blows into my face. It's a pleasant feeling. It was 3am before it started to rain. I stood outside my house and stare above the sky. I remember, i told her that whenever you're down, you look up into this beautiful night and you shall see the star i named after you. The brightest star..that's you.
Then as i walked around, each step i take, it is like walking down memory lane. Things we did before and said to each other. It's really something. Amazing yet beautiful. Nonetheless, it doesn't matter anymore. Because it seems like someone's ignoring all these. So, I've thought of this.
At first we loved, but not again.
We met at the cybercafe,
and we talked ever since.
We stood starring at each other,
I wondered the time, we'd
Stand together. Holding hands
as we walk down the street,
I wondered when our lips
Would meet.
My heart is broken, u seem
to ignore, The pain I
have, when u left me sore.
Our love was strong In which now your
heart is blind to see, now I feel
that your love has forgotten
completely about me.
Well all in all I'm heartbroken
Without u by my side,
I wish we could love each other
like we did that one time.
When a relationship of love is developed, a bond of trust is formed. There is an unspoken agreement that the two of you are committed to each other and that you will not see other people. When one of the members of this sacred bond choose to be intimate with another person, they are not only cheating their lover but they are cheating themselves as well. They are breaking their own bond of trust. In most situations, when a person cheats, it is not because of affection for a new lover. Rather, he/she may be searching for what is missing in his/her present relationship.
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet,
I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,
How you felt around me? The memories we shared,
And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.
Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried,
But please don't speak, remember that I never ever lied,
That I told you the honest truth about why we were to split,
But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.
The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many days,
I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,
Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I've got,
And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.
You were a special part of my life that I will never forget,
A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret,
You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart,
Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn't have to part.
You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,
After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,
You and I had something special and that will never change,
Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.
I once heard a story straight from the heart
About a girl and how her world began to fall apart
It all started when she met the boy that made her life complete
Just thinking of him made her heart skip a beat
They were the couple everyone wanted to be
There were no imperfections as either one could see
As the weeks passed they fell more in love and were less aware
Of how often life turns out to be unfair
Until one day she finally gave in
She realized there was no way she could win
She said I'm sorry but i have to let you go
As he reached for her hand she pulled away whispering no
When she turned around a tear slid down her cheek
He just stood there speechless, forgetting how to speak
The next few days were the hardest at home
She truly felt she was all alone
Her mom pushed in her face how she had won
Her dad said "i knew he was just another one"
Her sister said "come on you'll be ok"
And her brother just tried to stay away
At school it was like her friends weren't even there
None of them seemed to really care
Her life had no more color, just black and white
Even getting out of bed turned into a fight
Despite their tries things just weren't like before
Then he decided "i don't wanna try anymore"
At that she tried to cut him out
But the more she ignored him the more her feelings began to shout
When she saw him that day she could no longer just walk by
And before she knew it her mouth opened up and out came "hi"
He looked up and said "so now we're talking?"
She just smiled and join his walking
Everyday they talked a little more
And everyday she began to like him a little less then before
As the months passed by she became more and more aware
About how its ok life's unfair
Because eventually everything becomes your past
But your memories will always last
And with that i hope you see
Not all love is meant to be
But hold on and don't give in
Stand tall, hold up your chin
And believe me when i say
The right one will come one day
He'll open your eyes to things you couldn't ever see
I know this because..this is a story all about me...
Then as i walked around, each step i take, it is like walking down memory lane. Things we did before and said to each other. It's really something. Amazing yet beautiful. Nonetheless, it doesn't matter anymore. Because it seems like someone's ignoring all these. So, I've thought of this.
At first we loved, but not again.
We met at the cybercafe,
and we talked ever since.
We stood starring at each other,
I wondered the time, we'd
Stand together. Holding hands
as we walk down the street,
I wondered when our lips
Would meet.
My heart is broken, u seem
to ignore, The pain I
have, when u left me sore.
Our love was strong In which now your
heart is blind to see, now I feel
that your love has forgotten
completely about me.
Well all in all I'm heartbroken
Without u by my side,
I wish we could love each other
like we did that one time.
When a relationship of love is developed, a bond of trust is formed. There is an unspoken agreement that the two of you are committed to each other and that you will not see other people. When one of the members of this sacred bond choose to be intimate with another person, they are not only cheating their lover but they are cheating themselves as well. They are breaking their own bond of trust. In most situations, when a person cheats, it is not because of affection for a new lover. Rather, he/she may be searching for what is missing in his/her present relationship.
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet,
I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,
How you felt around me? The memories we shared,
And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.
Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried,
But please don't speak, remember that I never ever lied,
That I told you the honest truth about why we were to split,
But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.
The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many days,
I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,
Slowly I am rebuilding my life, I am content with what I've got,
And although it is hard I am beginning to forget what I have not.
You were a special part of my life that I will never forget,
A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret,
You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart,
Although sometimes I wish that you and I didn't have to part.
You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,
After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,
You and I had something special and that will never change,
Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.
I once heard a story straight from the heart
About a girl and how her world began to fall apart
It all started when she met the boy that made her life complete
Just thinking of him made her heart skip a beat
They were the couple everyone wanted to be
There were no imperfections as either one could see
As the weeks passed they fell more in love and were less aware
Of how often life turns out to be unfair
Until one day she finally gave in
She realized there was no way she could win
She said I'm sorry but i have to let you go
As he reached for her hand she pulled away whispering no
When she turned around a tear slid down her cheek
He just stood there speechless, forgetting how to speak
The next few days were the hardest at home
She truly felt she was all alone
Her mom pushed in her face how she had won
Her dad said "i knew he was just another one"
Her sister said "come on you'll be ok"
And her brother just tried to stay away
At school it was like her friends weren't even there
None of them seemed to really care
Her life had no more color, just black and white
Even getting out of bed turned into a fight
Despite their tries things just weren't like before
Then he decided "i don't wanna try anymore"
At that she tried to cut him out
But the more she ignored him the more her feelings began to shout
When she saw him that day she could no longer just walk by
And before she knew it her mouth opened up and out came "hi"
He looked up and said "so now we're talking?"
She just smiled and join his walking
Everyday they talked a little more
And everyday she began to like him a little less then before
As the months passed by she became more and more aware
About how its ok life's unfair
Because eventually everything becomes your past
But your memories will always last
And with that i hope you see
Not all love is meant to be
But hold on and don't give in
Stand tall, hold up your chin
And believe me when i say
The right one will come one day
He'll open your eyes to things you couldn't ever see
I know this because..this is a story all about me...
* What are you doing to me?*
What are you doing to me!? Are you still giving me a chance or are you just holding me back? You know how much i want you back but yet, you still go out with him. Maybe that is the sign for me to tell me to fuck off of their life because i'm like the 3rd person who's interrupting their lovely life.
What the heck is going on? AM i no longer holding a place in your heart?
What the heck is going on? AM i no longer holding a place in your heart?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
* ... *
I don't know what am i doing. Day by day, i spend my time relaxing at cc. Thinking all the positive thoughts i can think of. After being through some hardship of 2 months, pretty much i thought it is enough. I put a stop to all this pain and call an end to it.
Today, after i woke up, it was like around 2pm. Hmm, recently I really can't sleep but when i do, it'll be around 5am or 6am. Went to CC around 3 something. Checked some stuffs and played some dota. It was a pretty normal day for me. Since my life, there's nothing much other than hanging out with friends, playing games or either that, sleeping. Dammit i think by doing all these everyday, i'm getting fatter day by day. Oh my gawd..DO SOMETHING! Rawr!
Everything was alright till when i was having a mix scrim against Jedi ( Singapore's Top team ), Cathrynn messaged me on msn. That moment, my msn status was online. So she kept on messaging me during the match i was having. Seriously, it started to annoy me. It wasn't her messages, it was the msn. Lol. Then i changed my status to busy so there won't be any noise to interrupt my game.
Cathrynn told me about what happened during the day. Supposingly i promised to see her after her work. But apparently Sean said he's going to see her, so i thought plans were off. Seems like she prefer to go out with him, that is what i thought.
She started being emotionally sad, saying that so many of her friends are going against her, and yes, from what i can see from her blog, there's a friend of hers who lost her respect for Cathrynn due to her doings.
Honestly, I think her friend is correct at some points. Her friend said that "i doubt its bcos "you're not meant to be". It's bcos YOU chose to make it like that. so YOU made it bcome "not meant to be". I lost my trust in you." Although this statement may hurt alot, but somehow i do think this person is right.
You had the choice to make but you chose something else. It's like giving you a boat, but you chose to swim. I really have no idea how much info she gotten from whoever who likes to gossip about me,cat and sean but seems like its pretty much the right facts. Not all but most. My opinion i guess.
Cathrynn got so emotionally disturbed after she saw what her friend wrote. Honestly, I really feel bad for her. She's been through so much troubles and problems, some people don't see things from her point of view. Only if she opened her heart and share her problems with me, i might help. Maybe not financially, but emotionally.
Action speaks louder than words. What you say, you must entrust your words. It doesn't carry any weight if you say what you want to do, but in the end you didn't do it. It's like giving an empty promise.
So back to the point, she told me that i deserve better, everyone pity me and think she's the villain, she was at the verge of commiting suicide. Well, she has every reason to say it because she's undergoing through a moment of hardship and pain.I totally understand.
I told her and i'm telling her again. I won't nag at you simply because i want to. I did it only because you talked to Sean. I wouldn't be grumpy, but i was because you went out with him. I wouldn't be sarcastic, if i weren't angry. Well basically, if it weren't for him to pop up between us, we would have been a great couple. Sorry to "him" but its the fact.
I know there were times when i start to think alot and all those thought never really happened, or i think it didn't. So partially, I admit it is my fault. But she shouldn't even have the choice of choosing between 2 guys if she loves me.
I mean, readers, you get my drift right? When a person loves you with all his/her heart, no matter who talks to you, or tries to win your heart, it doesn't affect your relationship right? You can choose to ignore but you chosed to acknowledge.
Hey, one thing, I know that although im 21, I never really thought at myself being mature. Although i want to be one, i think i still have loads to learn. Even i would say my younger brother is even more mature than me, not only that, he's smarter. I'm not afraid to admit it. Because it is the truth. Why hide the truth when you know the answer yourself?
Ok ok, i'm starting to get out of topic. Well, after she said all those, it made me worried. Sometimes, i think she's quite silly. Suicide is not an option. Think wisely because killing yourself doesn't solve any problem. So i got worried, and i asked Chucky to send me over to her house.
I stood outside, waited for her and she came down to talk. As usual, with my "normal" tone, i say the exact same thing i asked her before. "What do you want?" Is this how you want things to be? I told her that i wanted things to be like how it was back then when we first coupled. Boy, i really miss those times.
Somehow, she always believe "him" whatever he tells her. Imagine if he tells her pigs can fly, oh my gawd, if she believe that..I will tell other people i'm the president of US. I mean like, common sense, we can't please everyone in our life. There is going to be definitely SOMEONE who doesn't like you.
She gets paranoid and thinks the whole world dislikes her. Sigh, this "guy" really manipulates her kao kao. Like literally brain-washed. Adding bleach also. Seriously, you need to interact more with other people than just him.
I told her, i've given her the option to choose. I've given her chances to change. She didn't take and she did not choose..just not yet. From what she claims, she would not be seeing "him" tomorrow onwards. Main reason was because she wants back her old life. If you want your old life back, there are loads you have to sacrifice. Are you willing to let go what you have now to get back your old life? Are you willing to sacrifice? Ask yourself if you do. I did. :)
I tell you this, it's darn hard not to see someone you care. And plus, I think that he won't accept the fact that you suddenly start to ignore him. But if you keep your words, then i know..although you are not with me as a girlfriend, i know that i can trust you as a friend. That's my respect for you. Because you can keep your words. Make your words carry some weight.
At least now, you will slowly regain what you've lost. And not forgetting how your friends supported you when you left him. But now i do not know. Better not to say anything.
Respect and trust is hard to gain. But once regain, it is easily broken. Learn how to treasure this trust and respect when you earn it. Last time, during my form6 days, I loved this girl name Lee Jiaqi. And i swear in the name of God, I did not betray her trust. Somehow, she heard from "my trusted friend" that i was flirting behind her back. She said i'm a lier. A flirt, and she said i'm not worth her respect. I know that till now, it is very hard to gain back the trust which i lost. Due to a "trusted friend". So sometimes, trust when given, don't abuse it.Cathrynn,You're not a bad person at all. You're a great girl. You know it. But you just don't know how to show it. ;)
Maybe I might not be the one. Who completes you and make you whole. But if being with me makes you wake up from this nightmare, i'll be glad to stand by you and walk through this hardship together. Friends or lovers. You choose.
Besides, I'm a guy who did many wrong doings before. Lied to my parents, stealing money from them, played with other girl's feelings and ignored my good friends. For now, i'm pretty much changed, and i still am trying to change to be for the better.
We've all stepped into the wrong shoe, now it is whether you would like to move on with a new shoe, that fits you and makes you comfortable. I pray that Cathrynn will be strong, throughout all this hardship and pain. Although I've been through pain worst than hers, I had friends who supported me. Now i want her to know that even whether i'm her boyfriend or not, i'm still here to support you.
At least, I want her to know i'm still care for her and i will be here for her like i promised. No matter how many people who dislikes you, I'll still be standing by your side to tell others that you're really a great girl. :)
Please don't be silly. There're tonnes of peoeple who still cares for you. Not forgetting God. ;) GAMBATEH CAT<3!
Today, after i woke up, it was like around 2pm. Hmm, recently I really can't sleep but when i do, it'll be around 5am or 6am. Went to CC around 3 something. Checked some stuffs and played some dota. It was a pretty normal day for me. Since my life, there's nothing much other than hanging out with friends, playing games or either that, sleeping. Dammit i think by doing all these everyday, i'm getting fatter day by day. Oh my gawd..DO SOMETHING! Rawr!
Everything was alright till when i was having a mix scrim against Jedi ( Singapore's Top team ), Cathrynn messaged me on msn. That moment, my msn status was online. So she kept on messaging me during the match i was having. Seriously, it started to annoy me. It wasn't her messages, it was the msn. Lol. Then i changed my status to busy so there won't be any noise to interrupt my game.
Cathrynn told me about what happened during the day. Supposingly i promised to see her after her work. But apparently Sean said he's going to see her, so i thought plans were off. Seems like she prefer to go out with him, that is what i thought.
She started being emotionally sad, saying that so many of her friends are going against her, and yes, from what i can see from her blog, there's a friend of hers who lost her respect for Cathrynn due to her doings.
Honestly, I think her friend is correct at some points. Her friend said that "i doubt its bcos "you're not meant to be". It's bcos YOU chose to make it like that. so YOU made it bcome "not meant to be". I lost my trust in you." Although this statement may hurt alot, but somehow i do think this person is right.
You had the choice to make but you chose something else. It's like giving you a boat, but you chose to swim. I really have no idea how much info she gotten from whoever who likes to gossip about me,cat and sean but seems like its pretty much the right facts. Not all but most. My opinion i guess.
Cathrynn got so emotionally disturbed after she saw what her friend wrote. Honestly, I really feel bad for her. She's been through so much troubles and problems, some people don't see things from her point of view. Only if she opened her heart and share her problems with me, i might help. Maybe not financially, but emotionally.
Action speaks louder than words. What you say, you must entrust your words. It doesn't carry any weight if you say what you want to do, but in the end you didn't do it. It's like giving an empty promise.
So back to the point, she told me that i deserve better, everyone pity me and think she's the villain, she was at the verge of commiting suicide. Well, she has every reason to say it because she's undergoing through a moment of hardship and pain.I totally understand.
I told her and i'm telling her again. I won't nag at you simply because i want to. I did it only because you talked to Sean. I wouldn't be grumpy, but i was because you went out with him. I wouldn't be sarcastic, if i weren't angry. Well basically, if it weren't for him to pop up between us, we would have been a great couple. Sorry to "him" but its the fact.
I know there were times when i start to think alot and all those thought never really happened, or i think it didn't. So partially, I admit it is my fault. But she shouldn't even have the choice of choosing between 2 guys if she loves me.
I mean, readers, you get my drift right? When a person loves you with all his/her heart, no matter who talks to you, or tries to win your heart, it doesn't affect your relationship right? You can choose to ignore but you chosed to acknowledge.
Hey, one thing, I know that although im 21, I never really thought at myself being mature. Although i want to be one, i think i still have loads to learn. Even i would say my younger brother is even more mature than me, not only that, he's smarter. I'm not afraid to admit it. Because it is the truth. Why hide the truth when you know the answer yourself?
Ok ok, i'm starting to get out of topic. Well, after she said all those, it made me worried. Sometimes, i think she's quite silly. Suicide is not an option. Think wisely because killing yourself doesn't solve any problem. So i got worried, and i asked Chucky to send me over to her house.
I stood outside, waited for her and she came down to talk. As usual, with my "normal" tone, i say the exact same thing i asked her before. "What do you want?" Is this how you want things to be? I told her that i wanted things to be like how it was back then when we first coupled. Boy, i really miss those times.
Somehow, she always believe "him" whatever he tells her. Imagine if he tells her pigs can fly, oh my gawd, if she believe that..I will tell other people i'm the president of US. I mean like, common sense, we can't please everyone in our life. There is going to be definitely SOMEONE who doesn't like you.
She gets paranoid and thinks the whole world dislikes her. Sigh, this "guy" really manipulates her kao kao. Like literally brain-washed. Adding bleach also. Seriously, you need to interact more with other people than just him.
I told her, i've given her the option to choose. I've given her chances to change. She didn't take and she did not choose..just not yet. From what she claims, she would not be seeing "him" tomorrow onwards. Main reason was because she wants back her old life. If you want your old life back, there are loads you have to sacrifice. Are you willing to let go what you have now to get back your old life? Are you willing to sacrifice? Ask yourself if you do. I did. :)
I tell you this, it's darn hard not to see someone you care. And plus, I think that he won't accept the fact that you suddenly start to ignore him. But if you keep your words, then i know..although you are not with me as a girlfriend, i know that i can trust you as a friend. That's my respect for you. Because you can keep your words. Make your words carry some weight.
At least now, you will slowly regain what you've lost. And not forgetting how your friends supported you when you left him. But now i do not know. Better not to say anything.
Respect and trust is hard to gain. But once regain, it is easily broken. Learn how to treasure this trust and respect when you earn it. Last time, during my form6 days, I loved this girl name Lee Jiaqi. And i swear in the name of God, I did not betray her trust. Somehow, she heard from "my trusted friend" that i was flirting behind her back. She said i'm a lier. A flirt, and she said i'm not worth her respect. I know that till now, it is very hard to gain back the trust which i lost. Due to a "trusted friend". So sometimes, trust when given, don't abuse it.Cathrynn,You're not a bad person at all. You're a great girl. You know it. But you just don't know how to show it. ;)
Maybe I might not be the one. Who completes you and make you whole. But if being with me makes you wake up from this nightmare, i'll be glad to stand by you and walk through this hardship together. Friends or lovers. You choose.
Besides, I'm a guy who did many wrong doings before. Lied to my parents, stealing money from them, played with other girl's feelings and ignored my good friends. For now, i'm pretty much changed, and i still am trying to change to be for the better.
We've all stepped into the wrong shoe, now it is whether you would like to move on with a new shoe, that fits you and makes you comfortable. I pray that Cathrynn will be strong, throughout all this hardship and pain. Although I've been through pain worst than hers, I had friends who supported me. Now i want her to know that even whether i'm her boyfriend or not, i'm still here to support you.
At least, I want her to know i'm still care for her and i will be here for her like i promised. No matter how many people who dislikes you, I'll still be standing by your side to tell others that you're really a great girl. :)
Please don't be silly. There're tonnes of peoeple who still cares for you. Not forgetting God. ;) GAMBATEH CAT<3!
Monday, March 23, 2009
* To move on *
I guess pretty much after having a really good talk with my friends, i've awaken from this nightmare and realized that no matter how hard I try to work things out, it shall never be the same again.
One good friend of mine said " No matter what happens, the show must go on". Awesome. Totally believe that now. I can't keep looking back at my past and hold on to it as the reality hits me in the head and say " dude, what are you thinking? "
Although the things we had was really beautiful, i don't know whether it will be again. The foundation we built together has fallen. Whether we have to materials to start again, that's the question.
I've been bitten once, the scar's still there. And then i've got bitten, again and again. Sooner or later, this wound is so hard to heal as it keeps on getting bitten. So i have to avoid from being bitten again. This time, i'm more agile. :D hahaha, if you get what i'm trying to point out here.
So i'm pretty much gonna take the first step out of this. Like "fren" said, " If you know the truth, will you be able to take the first step out?" and i said yes. At least, I know the truth.
You know, to whoever whom i've been with together before, I always tell you this thing. If you want to go out with whoever,anywhere and anytime, all you have to do is just let me know who you're going out with and where. As long you know where you stand, i know where i stand. But of course, if i'm your boyfriend, i wouldn't really like it if you go out with a guy, just a 1on1 for movies or something. Its rather disturbing and of course, brings up the jealousy.
But other than that, it'll be all fine. What i dislike most is about lying. Don't have to lie to me because somehow, sooner or later i'll find out. Somehow. I always believe that you just have to tell me the truth. Truth hurts, but hey..at least i know you're telling me the truth. At least, i know i can trust you. But *i'm no stalker k!.. hehe*
SO i guess thing's going to end here. A chapter of my life, has now come to an end. A new beginning of a chapter begins.
Take care my sweetheart. I pray you'll be happy with him. God bless you. I'm going to miss your "noty" side and your sweet love. :)
One good friend of mine said " No matter what happens, the show must go on". Awesome. Totally believe that now. I can't keep looking back at my past and hold on to it as the reality hits me in the head and say " dude, what are you thinking? "
Although the things we had was really beautiful, i don't know whether it will be again. The foundation we built together has fallen. Whether we have to materials to start again, that's the question.
I've been bitten once, the scar's still there. And then i've got bitten, again and again. Sooner or later, this wound is so hard to heal as it keeps on getting bitten. So i have to avoid from being bitten again. This time, i'm more agile. :D hahaha, if you get what i'm trying to point out here.
So i'm pretty much gonna take the first step out of this. Like "fren" said, " If you know the truth, will you be able to take the first step out?" and i said yes. At least, I know the truth.
You know, to whoever whom i've been with together before, I always tell you this thing. If you want to go out with whoever,anywhere and anytime, all you have to do is just let me know who you're going out with and where. As long you know where you stand, i know where i stand. But of course, if i'm your boyfriend, i wouldn't really like it if you go out with a guy, just a 1on1 for movies or something. Its rather disturbing and of course, brings up the jealousy.
But other than that, it'll be all fine. What i dislike most is about lying. Don't have to lie to me because somehow, sooner or later i'll find out. Somehow. I always believe that you just have to tell me the truth. Truth hurts, but hey..at least i know you're telling me the truth. At least, i know i can trust you. But *i'm no stalker k!.. hehe*
SO i guess thing's going to end here. A chapter of my life, has now come to an end. A new beginning of a chapter begins.
Take care my sweetheart. I pray you'll be happy with him. God bless you. I'm going to miss your "noty" side and your sweet love. :)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
* I just want Sugar! *
I just want to Sugar to know..i still need Sugar. Sugar goes out with him for so long, God knows what Sugar's doing with him.. :( I just wanted to hold Sugar in my arms and never let her go.
Sugar says they're not together. Seems like they're like together. Spending the whole day together.. Sigh..I feel so empty..
I saw Sugar today, she came all the way to Time Square today just to see me. Or perhaps just because Chia Hao called Sugar. But Sugar said it was just coincidental that what i wrote in my blog and so happened Sugar came. I thought it was really true love and fate already once Sugar appeared right in front of me. But what makes me feel worst was that "he" was there with Sugar.
*Ouch* My heart tore again and it bleeds worst. I long to hug her, kiss her and hold on to her forever. I'm now really confused..Sometimes i feel so helpless. Like i could not do anything to please her. When she's hungry, last night i was pretty much sure Sean bought some food for her. Well i couldn't. Not because i can't, but it was just because i got lack of money. 'He' could buy her expansive stuffs, expansive food like McD and Sushi everyday. Her favs. 'He' knows how i am not able to provide all those for her so he used it to his advantage. Pretty much i told him how my financial issues were and yea, seems like he's using it to his advantage.
Sometimes now I think "he" is trying so hard to get her and she's really giving him a chance. Sometimes i feel beyond hope. Like i am uncapable of accomplishing so many things. Am i such a bad person? I wanted her to know that I'm still the same old romantic Kelvin who is willing to sacrifice anything for her. But seems like "he" is pretty much trying to do everything that i wanted to, seems like there's nothing much for me to do.
However, then again if somehow there will be a slightest chance that i could win her heart, then i shall fight for this. I know, that when there's a will, there's a way. Definitely there is. Lets see if she really gives me the opportunity like how we used to have things before.
I'm longing for the warmth she gave me before, her kiss and her hugs. Her passionate love.
If only she knew i needed that.. ;)
Sugar says they're not together. Seems like they're like together. Spending the whole day together.. Sigh..I feel so empty..
I saw Sugar today, she came all the way to Time Square today just to see me. Or perhaps just because Chia Hao called Sugar. But Sugar said it was just coincidental that what i wrote in my blog and so happened Sugar came. I thought it was really true love and fate already once Sugar appeared right in front of me. But what makes me feel worst was that "he" was there with Sugar.
*Ouch* My heart tore again and it bleeds worst. I long to hug her, kiss her and hold on to her forever. I'm now really confused..Sometimes i feel so helpless. Like i could not do anything to please her. When she's hungry, last night i was pretty much sure Sean bought some food for her. Well i couldn't. Not because i can't, but it was just because i got lack of money. 'He' could buy her expansive stuffs, expansive food like McD and Sushi everyday. Her favs. 'He' knows how i am not able to provide all those for her so he used it to his advantage. Pretty much i told him how my financial issues were and yea, seems like he's using it to his advantage.
Sometimes now I think "he" is trying so hard to get her and she's really giving him a chance. Sometimes i feel beyond hope. Like i am uncapable of accomplishing so many things. Am i such a bad person? I wanted her to know that I'm still the same old romantic Kelvin who is willing to sacrifice anything for her. But seems like "he" is pretty much trying to do everything that i wanted to, seems like there's nothing much for me to do.
However, then again if somehow there will be a slightest chance that i could win her heart, then i shall fight for this. I know, that when there's a will, there's a way. Definitely there is. Lets see if she really gives me the opportunity like how we used to have things before.
I'm longing for the warmth she gave me before, her kiss and her hugs. Her passionate love.
If only she knew i needed that.. ;)
* Eager to know the truth *
I always wonder, did that person really cared? Lets say i put "that person" as Sugar. Sugar never really bother talking to me of late. Sugar always gave me hope and told me that somehow, someday if fate brings us together, things might be better. But then again, i ponder over and i ask myself. Kelvin, what have you done to yourself to desevere this? Have you done something that Sugar actually ignored you?
I guess pretty much it's got to be me. Somehow today i texted Sugar, Sugar totally ignored it. Not a sound from Sugar. It's been 2 days since Sugar last talked to me. I wondered how is Sugar. Pretty much one day i walked into Centrepoint Mcd, I saw Sugar there..with someone whom i dislike utmost being so close together doing some work.
My heart shattered pretty badly. I guess I'm pretty much done for. Sugar told me that Sugar's pretty confused. I'm now quite sure what "confused" meant for Sugar. Sugar told me once, that i've already given up.. i don't think Sugar knows what giving up is. Sugar actually thinks i'm going to give up despite all these that's happening. Sugar didn't think that no matter how mean i was, i still care and lover Sugar? Sugar knows i sacrifices alot. Did Sugar do anything about it? I don't think Sugar ever thought of how i felt. I expected so much from Sugar, none actually happened.
I guess there's nothing much else to say. My heart aches in pain every moment i felt something's that amiss. Knowing that tommorow, 21th March, I shall be attending a tournament called Sudden Attack at Time Square. But this time, Sugar isn't there anymore. I hope that i could find the same spirit when Sugar was there last time. When i looked into my WGT pictures, i saw how Sugar stood by me, supporting me no matter whether i win or lose. Sugar once said " You know, whether you win or lose, you're always my winner". Sugar also once said " I should have been there for you. It won't happen again i promise. I will always be by your side...Everytime you're playing. Cause i'm in your heart and your are in mine, always number 1 , Bie. Always number 1. I love you Kelvin. they next time you play, i'll make sure i'm by your side. If not, you can punish me however you like ;) ". Hahaha, the good old days.. Oh well..like i said..Sugar's no longer here anymore for me.. If Sugar shows up tommorow at Time Square, then i shall know that Sugar truly loves me and i will definitely be the happiest guy in the world.Because i sacrificed for her before. I wonder if Sugar will be able to sacrifice for me. I took the afford to walk from 1u to Tropicana City Mall,I wonder if Sugar would take the afford to find me in Time Square.But then again, by the time Sugar realizes this, i doubt Sugar would want to do anything about it. So.. Haih..But Sugar didn't bother to see whether i'm fine or anything. Sugar just left me hanging there.
Last time, when i fought with "someone", Sugar was so worried and left me alone to see "someone" to see how is he. How about now? Did Sugar ever rushed over and ask me,"hey Bie, Are you alright?". I pretty much know that now I'm fighting a losing battle. Cause now here i am fighting to save every bit of this Sugar but Sugar doesn't seem to bother. But have I lost the War? I really don't know. Sugar doesn't know how much pain I'm going through. Even if Sugar knows, Sugar isn't doing anything to ease the pain. Pretty much standing alone.
Well, I hope i don't worry too many fellow friends out there. I know I may look extremely down and sad when you guys accidently mention the word "cat" but i guess thats pretty much how i have to go through life..
I've been training pretty much with my team for Sudden Attack. Although it is still last minute but hey, it is still worth getting ready for. Rm4000 for the first placing! I hope that i will win tommorow. I just had an ACC match too just now. Around 9pm against EG Clan. As usual ESP pulls out a terrific play and won both rounds. End score was 13-6( Esp won in Crash) and 13-2 ( Esp won in Crossfire). Plus i was expecting Sugar to come, as Sugar said Sugar might drop by. I guess Sugar didn't care at all..
I pray Sugar is getting well, and i still miss Sugar alot. Like the name, sweet as always. Too much of it, causes diabetes. Lol! i'm just kidding. What i had with Sugar, was the most beautiful thing ever. But it only went wrong with this "someone" came in. It's like peanut butter and jam. Suits each other but when you add soya sauce inside, urgh. Lol. Sometimes i wish that i could turn back time. To re-adjust what went wrong and make my life beautiful.
Seems like I can't..Why can't Sugar realize Sugar's my other half. Hmm, i guess my other half is ignoring me. No wonder i'm feeling pretty empty. Sigh..and alittle *ouch* to it.I know that i've been pretty grumpy. I'm quite sure that the reason was because of that someone.If it weren't for the "someone" i guess i'll be the happy Nobie boobie.
It still has to come to an end one day, i just pray really hard that Sugar knows what Sugar wants in life. Sugar's a wonderful person. Only just fickle minded. Sugar will turn out just alright. <:) And i really want to win tommorow's competition. Rawr! Rm4000!
~ Sugar sugar~
-heartache Nobie-
They say "True love doesnt have a happy ending: True love doesnt have an ending." I definitely believe it.
I guess pretty much it's got to be me. Somehow today i texted Sugar, Sugar totally ignored it. Not a sound from Sugar. It's been 2 days since Sugar last talked to me. I wondered how is Sugar. Pretty much one day i walked into Centrepoint Mcd, I saw Sugar there..with someone whom i dislike utmost being so close together doing some work.
My heart shattered pretty badly. I guess I'm pretty much done for. Sugar told me that Sugar's pretty confused. I'm now quite sure what "confused" meant for Sugar. Sugar told me once, that i've already given up.. i don't think Sugar knows what giving up is. Sugar actually thinks i'm going to give up despite all these that's happening. Sugar didn't think that no matter how mean i was, i still care and lover Sugar? Sugar knows i sacrifices alot. Did Sugar do anything about it? I don't think Sugar ever thought of how i felt. I expected so much from Sugar, none actually happened.
I guess there's nothing much else to say. My heart aches in pain every moment i felt something's that amiss. Knowing that tommorow, 21th March, I shall be attending a tournament called Sudden Attack at Time Square. But this time, Sugar isn't there anymore. I hope that i could find the same spirit when Sugar was there last time. When i looked into my WGT pictures, i saw how Sugar stood by me, supporting me no matter whether i win or lose. Sugar once said " You know, whether you win or lose, you're always my winner". Sugar also once said " I should have been there for you. It won't happen again i promise. I will always be by your side...Everytime you're playing. Cause i'm in your heart and your are in mine, always number 1 , Bie. Always number 1. I love you Kelvin. they next time you play, i'll make sure i'm by your side. If not, you can punish me however you like ;) ". Hahaha, the good old days.. Oh well..like i said..Sugar's no longer here anymore for me.. If Sugar shows up tommorow at Time Square, then i shall know that Sugar truly loves me and i will definitely be the happiest guy in the world.Because i sacrificed for her before. I wonder if Sugar will be able to sacrifice for me. I took the afford to walk from 1u to Tropicana City Mall,I wonder if Sugar would take the afford to find me in Time Square.But then again, by the time Sugar realizes this, i doubt Sugar would want to do anything about it. So.. Haih..But Sugar didn't bother to see whether i'm fine or anything. Sugar just left me hanging there.
Last time, when i fought with "someone", Sugar was so worried and left me alone to see "someone" to see how is he. How about now? Did Sugar ever rushed over and ask me,"hey Bie, Are you alright?". I pretty much know that now I'm fighting a losing battle. Cause now here i am fighting to save every bit of this Sugar but Sugar doesn't seem to bother. But have I lost the War? I really don't know. Sugar doesn't know how much pain I'm going through. Even if Sugar knows, Sugar isn't doing anything to ease the pain. Pretty much standing alone.
Well, I hope i don't worry too many fellow friends out there. I know I may look extremely down and sad when you guys accidently mention the word "cat" but i guess thats pretty much how i have to go through life..
I've been training pretty much with my team for Sudden Attack. Although it is still last minute but hey, it is still worth getting ready for. Rm4000 for the first placing! I hope that i will win tommorow. I just had an ACC match too just now. Around 9pm against EG Clan. As usual ESP pulls out a terrific play and won both rounds. End score was 13-6( Esp won in Crash) and 13-2 ( Esp won in Crossfire). Plus i was expecting Sugar to come, as Sugar said Sugar might drop by. I guess Sugar didn't care at all..
I pray Sugar is getting well, and i still miss Sugar alot. Like the name, sweet as always. Too much of it, causes diabetes. Lol! i'm just kidding. What i had with Sugar, was the most beautiful thing ever. But it only went wrong with this "someone" came in. It's like peanut butter and jam. Suits each other but when you add soya sauce inside, urgh. Lol. Sometimes i wish that i could turn back time. To re-adjust what went wrong and make my life beautiful.
Seems like I can't..Why can't Sugar realize Sugar's my other half. Hmm, i guess my other half is ignoring me. No wonder i'm feeling pretty empty. Sigh..and alittle *ouch* to it.I know that i've been pretty grumpy. I'm quite sure that the reason was because of that someone.If it weren't for the "someone" i guess i'll be the happy Nobie boobie.
It still has to come to an end one day, i just pray really hard that Sugar knows what Sugar wants in life. Sugar's a wonderful person. Only just fickle minded. Sugar will turn out just alright. <:) And i really want to win tommorow's competition. Rawr! Rm4000!
~ Sugar sugar~
-heartache Nobie-
They say "True love doesnt have a happy ending: True love doesnt have an ending." I definitely believe it.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
*Story continued*
Heyloo peeps,
So as promised, I'm here to continue my journey of 2008.
After i met the girl i loved, there was a major event that was coming up. It was WGT. WGT stands for World Gamer's Tournament. Grand prize was rm7500 for 1st. awesome rite? :D
So we trained hard and debrief on our mistakes after every training. So the day has come.
So as promised, I'm here to continue my journey of 2008.
After i met the girl i loved, there was a major event that was coming up. It was WGT. WGT stands for World Gamer's Tournament. Grand prize was rm7500 for 1st. awesome rite? :D
So we trained hard and debrief on our mistakes after every training. So the day has come.
After much stress and playing, we finally ended up at 4th placing. First placing goes to ESP's team 4, 2nd placing goes to team RnF, while 3rd went to ESP's team 1. Basically we lose not only our voices, but we lost to team 1 and 4. But everytime we lose, we only improve more.
So after WGT, there weren't any upcoming tournaments. Team Emo began to slack. They said they'll only train the following year. As for me, i took the initiative to pick up Promod, an international mod that has been going on in Singapore and other countries too. So during our break after WGT, Justin aka Quack and i have been playing alot of promod.
Meeting new people and learning new spots in the game. I always thought in my mind that i'm pretty good in Malaysia. Standing next to Quack and Susu, I'm like the 3rd best. But after i met other people all over the Asian countries, I knew that I have loads to learn. Pro Extreme was bought by Blitzone owner, Mr.Pua so most ESP-ians moved to Pro Extreme as it was quiet and a more chilling place.
At the same time, Pro Extreme was able to allow us to go online and play cod4. From then, Justin and I practiced almost everyday. As lifeless as it seems, I do spend time with my gf and also go for classes. Oh btw, I'm currently studying in KDU, PJ. I'm doing mass communication and it is my 2nd semester now. I know it's kinda slow for me but hey, it's never too late to study right? Cheers!
So we start a new year, 2009. Honestly, it's been pretty shitty to me. I found out things that i didn't like. I'm going through tough times and i guess this time, no body's there for me. Maybe there is but I must be really blind not to acknowledge them. When I open up my eyes now, I realized that there's so much things i have not done in life. So much, but yet time's ticking away. I'm 21 for christ's sake.
As for now, i guess i have to settle things myself. I really don't know how but i will try my best. I hope and pray for the best.
I'm currently participating in ACC which stands for Asian Cod4 Championship. And so now we'll just keeps our fingers crossed and pray we'll win.
And currently Falk is currently making a frag movie for one of my matches against SWL. Here's a sneak preview of his excellent work.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Resurrection Of My Blog
Hey there peeps, I finally manage to renew my blog now. Give the credits to this girl whom i loved, Cathrynn Wong Li Xia.
Anyways, lets begin with a update with what I'm currently doing with my life. After my form6 school life, I've began to venture on into working life. I tried Telemarketing with Don Shue, which was actually quite fun for the first month. The pay was alright, RM1200 a month. But as I began to realized that i suck hard in persuading people to buy insurances, I could not cope with the pressure the team leader has been putting on me. So i left the telemarketing company after a month and a half.
As life goes on, I was asked to join this clan named ESP. Let me tell you how this happened. One fine day, I was at blitzone Zone 2 with my dota kakis. So sometimes while we're waiting for people to join our game, I would log into Call Of Duty 4 to kill some time. As i could remember, i always like to use P90, silencer with the perks of 3 stuns, stopping power and extreme conditioning. Surprisingly, I get top frag in certain maps until certain ESP players came in and pawnt me. So, as i was saying, this HUGE ass dude called Zachery Ng aka Sanction and Afiq aka Goat approached me behind my chair. Sanction tapped my chair and i turned and i saw this 2 guys standing behind me as though i've done something wrong.
Sanction asked me, "erm, excuse me Nobie.. I wonder if you could follow us out for a little while" and looking at the way Goat looks at me, with crossed arms.. i thought ok, fark..i'm in deep trouble. So as i followed them outside and i thought, Shit man how am i going to fight this 2 huge ass guys? hahaha, so as i walked out, Sanction looked at me and asked me "Nobie, would you like to join our clan ESP? We saw how you played and we need a last player so we think that you r the most suitable one"
So i was like shocked, because i never really knew what a clan was, besides dota clan "konon-nya". Sanction gave me the position as an assault rifle man in the team. So i told him to give me 2 weeks to think about it. LOL! I made myself sound so important and the next 2 days you know, I immedietely accepted the offer.
And life continues as my team was named EMO and i got sponsored T-shirts, and made new friends. My first competitive competition was held at TBUN, somewhere around may 2008. And to my surprised, for the first competition i ever joined for FPS gaming, I've gotten 2nd placing! Awesome rite?
Well, it is still better than nothing. So from then onwards, i began to work my way to the top. A couple of months later, I found out that there was a competition which was held in Singapore that was called Sling HD Cod4 Championship. I asked Brian * ESP's founder and Leader to give me the opportunity to go and learn more thus try my best to win. Going to Singapore was the best experience i ever had. I learned and met new friends. Singapore people aren't that Kiasu as you peeps in Malaysia think so. I've met Quikz, Genesis * Donald and many more! Awesome people.
So after i came back from Singapore, I improved tremendously in my personal skill. I learned alot from Susu which is also known one of malaysia's top cod4 player. Meanwhile i met someone whom i fell in love with. Her name is Cathrynn Wong Li Xia. She was the girl who stood behind me everything i played cod4, watching me play in awe and somehow she always smells good when she's around me.
We met, talked and soon enough we fell in love. Things were beautiful although we had some other complications that happened along the way. She was almost the perfect girl i dreamt to be with. Almost. She was there when i needed her most, she was there whenever I was competing or training for my game, she was someone whom i know i can't live without. Let me show you who this awesome girl is.
Yes she is the one. My love, my one and only. Well, as for now.. mayb some of you who don't know..we're not together at the moment. I really do miss her alot.Well, that's it for today. Basically there's plenty more to come. After how i met her, i joined a few other competitions and one big event that was WGT. Will keep you peeps up to date. Cheers and IM BACK BABY! RAWR!
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