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I don't know what am i doing. Day by day, i spend my time relaxing at cc. Thinking all the positive thoughts i can think of. After being through some hardship of 2 months, pretty much i thought it is enough. I put a stop to all this pain and call an end to it.

Today, after i woke up, it was like around 2pm. Hmm, recently I really can't sleep but when i do, it'll be around 5am or 6am. Went to CC around 3 something. Checked some stuffs and played some dota. It was a pretty normal day for me. Since my life, there's nothing much other than hanging out with friends, playing games or either that, sleeping. Dammit i think by doing all these everyday, i'm getting fatter day by day. Oh my gawd..DO SOMETHING! Rawr!

Everything was alright till when i was having a mix scrim against Jedi ( Singapore's Top team ), Cathrynn messaged me on msn. That moment, my msn status was online. So she kept on messaging me during the match i was having. Seriously, it started to annoy me. It wasn't her messages, it was the msn. Lol. Then i changed my status to busy so there won't be any noise to interrupt my game.

Cathrynn told me about what happened during the day. Supposingly i promised to see her after her work. But apparently Sean said he's going to see her, so i thought plans were off. Seems like she prefer to go out with him, that is what i thought.

She started being emotionally sad, saying that so many of her friends are going against her, and yes, from what i can see from her blog, there's a friend of hers who lost her respect for Cathrynn due to her doings.

Honestly, I think her friend is correct at some points. Her friend said that "i doubt its bcos "you're not meant to be". It's bcos YOU chose to make it like that. so YOU made it bcome "not meant to be". I lost my trust in you." Although this statement may hurt alot, but somehow i do think this person is right.

You had the choice to make but you chose something else. It's like giving you a boat, but you chose to swim. I really have no idea how much info she gotten from whoever who likes to gossip about me,cat and sean but seems like its pretty much the right facts. Not all but most. My opinion i guess.

Cathrynn got so emotionally disturbed after she saw what her friend wrote. Honestly, I really feel bad for her. She's been through so much troubles and problems, some people don't see things from her point of view. Only if she opened her heart and share her problems with me, i might help. Maybe not financially, but emotionally.

Action speaks louder than words. What you say, you must entrust your words. It doesn't carry any weight if you say what you want to do, but in the end you didn't do it. It's like giving an empty promise.

So back to the point, she told me that i deserve better, everyone pity me and think she's the villain, she was at the verge of commiting suicide. Well, she has every reason to say it because she's undergoing through a moment of hardship and pain.I totally understand.

I told her and i'm telling her again. I won't nag at you simply because i want to. I did it only because you talked to Sean. I wouldn't be grumpy, but i was because you went out with him. I wouldn't be sarcastic, if i weren't angry. Well basically, if it weren't for him to pop up between us, we would have been a great couple. Sorry to "him" but its the fact.

I know there were times when i start to think alot and all those thought never really happened, or i think it didn't. So partially, I admit it is my fault. But she shouldn't even have the choice of choosing between 2 guys if she loves me.

I mean, readers, you get my drift right? When a person loves you with all his/her heart, no matter who talks to you, or tries to win your heart, it doesn't affect your relationship right? You can choose to ignore but you chosed to acknowledge.

Hey, one thing, I know that although im 21, I never really thought at myself being mature. Although i want to be one, i think i still have loads to learn. Even i would say my younger brother is even more mature than me, not only that, he's smarter. I'm not afraid to admit it. Because it is the truth. Why hide the truth when you know the answer yourself?

Ok ok, i'm starting to get out of topic. Well, after she said all those, it made me worried. Sometimes, i think she's quite silly. Suicide is not an option. Think wisely because killing yourself doesn't solve any problem. So i got worried, and i asked Chucky to send me over to her house.

I stood outside, waited for her and she came down to talk. As usual, with my "normal" tone, i say the exact same thing i asked her before. "What do you want?" Is this how you want things to be? I told her that i wanted things to be like how it was back then when we first coupled. Boy, i really miss those times.

Somehow, she always believe "him" whatever he tells her. Imagine if he tells her pigs can fly, oh my gawd, if she believe that..I will tell other people i'm the president of US. I mean like, common sense, we can't please everyone in our life. There is going to be definitely SOMEONE who doesn't like you.

She gets paranoid and thinks the whole world dislikes her. Sigh, this "guy" really manipulates her kao kao. Like literally brain-washed. Adding bleach also. Seriously, you need to interact more with other people than just him.

I told her, i've given her the option to choose. I've given her chances to change. She didn't take and she did not choose..just not yet. From what she claims, she would not be seeing "him" tomorrow onwards. Main reason was because she wants back her old life. If you want your old life back, there are loads you have to sacrifice. Are you willing to let go what you have now to get back your old life? Are you willing to sacrifice? Ask yourself if you do. I did. :)

I tell you this, it's darn hard not to see someone you care. And plus, I think that he won't accept the fact that you suddenly start to ignore him. But if you keep your words, then i know..although you are not with me as a girlfriend, i know that i can trust you as a friend. That's my respect for you. Because you can keep your words. Make your words carry some weight.

At least now, you will slowly regain what you've lost. And not forgetting how your friends supported you when you left him. But now i do not know. Better not to say anything.

Respect and trust is hard to gain. But once regain, it is easily broken. Learn how to treasure this trust and respect when you earn it. Last time, during my form6 days, I loved this girl name Lee Jiaqi. And i swear in the name of God, I did not betray her trust. Somehow, she heard from "my trusted friend" that i was flirting behind her back. She said i'm a lier. A flirt, and she said i'm not worth her respect. I know that till now, it is very hard to gain back the trust which i lost. Due to a "trusted friend". So sometimes, trust when given, don't abuse it.Cathrynn,You're not a bad person at all. You're a great girl. You know it. But you just don't know how to show it. ;)

Maybe I might not be the one. Who completes you and make you whole. But if being with me makes you wake up from this nightmare, i'll be glad to stand by you and walk through this hardship together. Friends or lovers. You choose.

Besides, I'm a guy who did many wrong doings before. Lied to my parents, stealing money from them, played with other girl's feelings and ignored my good friends. For now, i'm pretty much changed, and i still am trying to change to be for the better.

We've all stepped into the wrong shoe, now it is whether you would like to move on with a new shoe, that fits you and makes you comfortable. I pray that Cathrynn will be strong, throughout all this hardship and pain. Although I've been through pain worst than hers, I had friends who supported me. Now i want her to know that even whether i'm her boyfriend or not, i'm still here to support you.

At least, I want her to know i'm still care for her and i will be here for her like i promised. No matter how many people who dislikes you, I'll still be standing by your side to tell others that you're really a great girl. :)

Please don't be silly. There're tonnes of peoeple who still cares for you. Not forgetting God. ;) GAMBATEH CAT<3!