I once fell for a girl whom made me think that the world isn't very judgmental after all. She turned things around and made me feel like i'm still worth something. A piece of something perhaps. Slowly i grew more fond of her, thinking i could be able to achieve something in return to prove my capability. Thus, it's not what i think it is. It's not how life works. You want it to happen, it does. But does it happen bcos u made it happen or it happens bcos it was fated? I no longer see the meaning of love.
I met various people, made plentiful of friends and lost many great friends. I made a wrong step in life but i realized and i tried to take the other step in a new path. Feels awkward, feels great at the same time but sense the discomfort of the new environment. I learnt things fast, i learnt how to grow better. Mature u say, perhaps i've still got a long way to go. Yes i admit, so much more to learn, to see life in a different way.
So here i am writing a note, perhaps to some people, I may be whining, complaining and self-pity but i write, bcos i feel like it is a way to express how i feel. When i put in words that comes out from my mouth, it is easily forgotten like a wind passing through ur ears. Words are the strength of me now and this is how i would express my feelings. Some said i tried too hard, some said it's the way u do things that's all wrong. Right now, i'm literally confused. Not confused in making decisions, but confused in life. Weird. I know it is contradicting but hey, that's what i feel.
I looked in a mirror. I see me. I felt hopeless, as tho i can't help much.
Been couple of months till i really had some hardcore thinking about what i want in life. Slowly i'm trying to make some progress and i guess i'm doing pretty good on that. What's lacking now is im really confused. about this one person who made me think so much. I don't know what it is but it gives me a really mixed feelings. i ALWAYS admired my guyfriends who always have gf who are like super super hawt and i always figure out, what is it that they see in them.*no offence to any of my bros who has superhot gf* Money? Style? Personality? I always scratch my head when i think of it. A friend once told me i tried too hard. perhaps. Another said im too fast. ok, slow things down. Then when i slow it down, another guy jumps in front of her and poof she disappears. Fml serious fml. What am i doing? i dont know anymore. hah, i laugh at myself sometimes for being such a loser. I met many girls that i knew if i tried, i could. But why hesitate..? i asked myself why sometimes. But i really don't think i know the answer yet.
Fortunately, i learnt that friends, some can be dependable, some can be a real jackass and some can be literally a 2 face assbite. Friends whom i was onced called brother, turned their backs on me bcos of my lifestyle. With regrets, i knew it was wrong but with my new lifestyle, i learnt so much and gain that temporary popularity and fame. Nt worth it.Friends whom were once my "brothers" now no longer acknowledge me even as friend. Walked into the restaurant, they didn't even bother to shake and ask how's life. "Yo fatty wassup" they said. A good "bro" of mine said i didn't bothered to email him, not even concern to ask where or how is he. I guess that was my bad. But can't you do the same first? Takes 2 to tango right? Now, i am happy with the one bro who trusts me and cared for me. I guess :P who is so kind in many ways its hard to expect it out of him, of all m friends. Shows that true friends do exist huh.Now, i feel really really reluctant to do anything.Besides working and exercising, i think i'll stick to that routine. Maybe i should start going to shaolin temple. better life there. I wish i could handle my life like making fried rice. Add some oil, put d rice, salt, spices, egg,and voala. Nope, kel, that's not how life works.
I just hope that this someone who knows what or why i wrote this note understands what this stupid note is all about. Confusing as it may sound, but it's just like a puzzle. Take a piece of puzzle at a time and try to put it in places. My life's all jumble up now. I just took 2 puzzles and placed them where it should be. Now, who'll be next to help me?Who..will complete me?
Kelvin Ng.31 Oct 2010. ( copy paste from the notes in Facebook. )
Today, Monday 22th August 2011. If I were to say that who managed to fill up those missing puzzle pieces, there is someone now. There is someone who will soon be able to complete me, make my life whole.
I always did comparisons, always asking questions. Sometimes I asked myself, am I that lucky to have someone like her in my life? Indeed I am. My perception towards love, has changed because of her. She made things differently for me. She looked at me as a lover, an equal.
I always had this thought in my mind that women are indeed influenced heavily by materialistic behavior. She proved me wrong. Money can't buy happiness. Money can't put that gorgeous smile on that face. Well, it can, but only temporary.
She made my world seems brighter.
And she's driving me crazily, in love. =)
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